HEAR MY HEART

… AND he said unto them, take heed what ye hear: with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you; and unto you that hear shall more be given” (Mark 4 vs. 24).

As we talk about ‘Intimacy,’ I wish to share with you something we neglect in our relationships. We know it, but we don’t use it. In fact, most times we take it for granted.

How do we know things or know people? What do we know? Are we sure what we know is right? Knowing is what relationship is based on. To really be close to a person is to know the person.

Most times, what we think we know about people or things can be wrong, because our source of information is faulty. I used to say that it is not what we don’t know that is killing us, but what we know wrongly. Wrong information is more dangerous than ignorance.

Many of us lose our partners because we think we know them because we have lived together or been together for say five years or 10 years.

The truth is that it takes a lifetime to really know a person. It is even when a person dies that we properly interpret their characters or things about them we did not understand earlier. We only see the full length of a tree when it is down.

It was when Jesus died on the Cross that those who crucified Him said, ‘truly, this is the son of God.’

The point is that we need to know our partner. We need to know what we need to know. There are things we don’t need to know; things that might not make you happy. You will have the best in your marriage if you know only what is important to be known.

You wonder why your husband is seeing another lady; perhaps she has known a part of him you are too busy to know. She has reached him where you haven’t. The same for you, sir.

A man wins a woman’s heart when he reaches where others haven’t. And every time we talk with our friends and loved ones, we want them to hear what we are not able to explain. And that can only be possible when we LISTEN.

This skill is lacking in many relationship. We don’t find time to talk to each other because no one wants to listen to each other. We think we win people’s heart when we talk, much or funny or romantically.

Believe me, you will only make sense when you talk only after you have listened. You can’t hit a cord when you don’t know the music. To be an effective listener, I suggest the following:

Look into your partner’s eyes. We have two ears, one mouth. We hear with one ear and understand with the other.

One way to get into your spouse’s mind is by looking into his/her eyes as he/she speaks. You will notice a lot learn a lot. Then you will hear even words that are not yet spoken.
Never interrupt; be quiet. Don’t think you know what the next statement is. Allow the person to talk, so that you can properly evaluate.

Let the person say everything, both offensive and stupid ones. Just let the emotions flow.
Don’t be judgmental. Some of us are prejudiced against certain things or ways of talking. Save it. In a relationship, allow for sincere expression. You don’t have to agree with everything the person says, but remember that everyone has a way of seeing things.

A little tolerance and acceptance will help bring about understanding.
Participate. When a person is talking, listen in such a way that you will know when something is funny, then smile or laugh. If you skipped a part, you ask questions to be cleared.

Make signs like yes, ‘I get it’ … ‘okay’ … ‘that’s true’ …. ‘Really.’ It will make your partner know that you are getting it.
Take note of the main point. Sometimes, when people talk with us or dialogue, we miss out the main issue because we don’t like the medium or method of communication.

Maybe you don’t like the way the person said it or toned it, but that is not the purpose of listening. Get to the point.

Pick out essentially what the discussion is about your partner may say, like ‘am tired, I don’t like this, I won’t do it again.’ Then you say, ‘fine. You are done with me, why are you still here. Okay, let’s split’. You got it wrong.

The person was upset or angry and was trying to let you know the level of frustration. Maybe she is just saying you don’t show much love or it’s been long you made love to or asked her out or sent her a nice text.

Please note the main point and don’t twist the message to score a position. You have listened well if you know what exactly the person means.
Respond with a non-judgmental and sometimes non-verbal tender ways. You may need to say something like, ‘I understand’ or ‘this is why I did it’ or ‘I think it should be better this way.’

But highlight points raised by your spouse and be very considerate and sensitive when giving answers or response.

The good of communication is to understand each other for a more profitable relationship, with less conflict. Let it be done in such a way that you will end with a hug or handshake or even love making.

We need peace in the home to make progress. And peace is not the absence of war, but the presence of love. Love is not a game, but will require some skill, some approach, some spice.

If we hope for a meaningful and fulfilling marriage, we need to do whatever it takes.
-E. C. Samuel

WHAT MEN WANT FROM WOMEN

“AND they called Rebekah, and said unto her, wilt thou go with this man? And she said, I will go” (Genesis 24 verse 58).

Men and women are more alike than different. They share an almost identical brain structure, similar needs for achievement and connection and generally want the same things out of life.

The differences are in nuances and although important, should not be used to regulate men to some far removed distance space in the universe.

What our culture values, as masculinity, is trapping. This includes being in control of one’s emotions, winning at all costs and not showing vulnerability.

Men who are not the way society thinks they should be are often stigmatise and may be viewed by others as ‘feminine’ in some vague way.

We have noticed that men who feel they must rigidly conform to masculine gender norms are more likely to suppress emotions that make them feel vulnerable.

But what we term ‘vulnerable’ are the very emotions required for a romantic intimacy with a partner or spouse.

Most women will say, “You are a man,” trying to reinforce the very gender conditioning that pushes men away. Some of these women even dictate roles for men or assume they know how a man should be.

Mostly, these straitjacket principles make men seek comfort and reality elsewhere.

What really do our men want from their women? May I can speak for a few men.
(1) He wants you to like him and love him for himself and not just what he does for you. Men like it when they are loved
The way men are socialised at all times makes them feel that their value is in their agency- that is, in their ability to act, take charge, control, win and achieve. If he doesn’t do that, he would be termed a ‘sissy’ and scorned.

Do not let this superficial part of him mislead you. Underneath this conditioning is a child who he is. He really wants someone who can be okay with him when he is not winning, producing or ‘on top.’ Keep that in mind when you relate with your man.

(2) He wants you to like yourself
If you are using him to feel okay about yourself, it will never be enough, and you will constantly be in charge of the next boost.
More so, men like it when a woman feels emotionally strong and capable. It is okay to be jealous, but never act insecure.

(3) Believe his ability to communicate, and try to understand his language There is a way a man uses word… Just know where he is coming from. Don’t force him.

(4) He wants you to be playful
Let go of control. Be spontaneous, joyous, and fun to be with. Don’t be too serious about everything.
Engage him without agendas. Let him feel like a high school lover. Men like to feel that.

(5) Men like to be respected
It is not true that all men are control freaks or domineering. On the contrary, most men listen to their wives.
But you earn your husband’s respect when you respect him, especially when you are self-sufficient, but still let him feel as the anchor.
He may say he doesn’t want you to bother him, but something inside feels secure when you tell him things before you do them or report events to him.

(6) Men like it when you understand them
Men flirt. Men make many decisions sometimes. They are not like women with special instincts. Yet, don’t let the man feel you are controlling him.

When he makes a blunder, get angry, but understand. Men cannot stand nagging. Find other ways of expressing your dissatisfaction without a plan for revenge or violence.

Let him feel the guilt, without you pressing it.

(7) He wants you to know that boys do cry
Men are given much shame in our culture for being vulnerable that they are often left with one choice to vent negative feelings-anger.

Offer him that one place in the world where he can unconditionally bring his full self to the table and where you don’t judge.

Don’t talk him out of his fears or upsets; just offer compassion and understanding.

Love his shame away.

– E. C. Samuel